With this picture we recently told the world that our 2nd child was on its way. At the time we took the picture we had no idea just how much this baby would impact our lives. Just a few weeks after this picture was taken we learned two things: 1. that our baby was a boy and 2. that our precious son has down syndrome.
I will not lie to you, this was not the news that I wanted. So many thoughts ran through my head that first day. So many thoughts have run through my head every day since. Most of those thoughts led to feelings of guilt. I had dreams about what having a son would be like and in one instant it seemed as though all of those dreams were shattered. Guilt. I'll never enjoy playing ball with my son. Guilt. I'll never get to perform his wedding. Guilt. I'll always have to worry about people bullying him. Guilt. I'm not strong enough to handle this. Guilt. I can't watch my boy go through all of the physical, cognitive, developmental struggles that he will go through. Guilt. The more I read and learn about DS, the more I realize that many of these thoughts are unwarranted. Guilt. In prayers that have zero words from my lips because I'm not sure how to voice them, I hope for a miracle. Guilt. I notice that most of my concerns are centered around the word "I". Guilt.
I'm learning that it is okay to feel. Even guilt. As I learn more about this chromosomal craziness, I'm feeling emotions that I don't know how to describe with words. I'm processing in ways I never have before.
My son is developing normally so far. No heart, brain, or gastro problems in utero. Love. His first HD ultrasound picture looks like he is flexing and kissing his bicep. Love! His big sister has already named him Buggy. Love! His daddy is making plans to renovate his bedroom before he comes this summer. Love. His mama talks to him, sings to him, and even jokingly scolds him when he makes her sick. LOVE! His family has rallied around him so much already. Love. This boy is going to love comic books. Love. He's teaching me life lessons already, and he doesn't make his debut for 20 more weeks. Love.
I'm having a son. I'm so proud of him. He is healthy. He will be happy. He is my boy. And at the end of the day, isn't that what every daddy desires?
::hug:: Buggy is going to rock your world in new and different ways. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up for your feelings. It's OK to be sad that things are going to be different than you planned- the important bit is that you wound up talking about love. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. That comment was from the Parkers, I just dorked up the signing in bit and am about to dork it up again.
DeleteHaha. Thanks for commenting. Dork away my friends, dork away!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have unfortunately fought with over the past two years is guilt and desire to live a "normal" life. That dream I had the moment we decided to have a second child. However that guilt and feeling of loss I know are that sneaky devil trying to work his way into my weaknesses. I've determined it is ok to fee this way as long as these feelings are under control and I remember God is in control and this is his will this is his plan. I do still grieve when I see other 2 year old children running playing talking eating and able to communicate their needs but then I remember the first time I honestly felt the spirit come over me and tell me God gave this child to me and no one else! There will be times of grief but keep them brief and go to Christ in prayer! Love, Doni
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