Dear Son,

It has been one year since you arrived in our lives. In that year you have changed me in so many ways. I never thought that I could be so in love with you.  You see when I found out you were coming, I was scared out of my mind.  I had no idea how I would be able to handle everything.  I assumed the worst.  I tend to do that (you'll figure that out as you get older).  When you got here we spent the first month of your life in the hospital.  It was so hard to see you laying there with all of those tubes and wires coming out of you.  I just wanted to take you home.  It seemed like every day the doctors would give us 1 piece of good news and 3 of bad.  I have never been as upset as I was during that time.  When we finally got to bring you home all I could think about was your upcoming heart surgery.  My boy undergoing open heart surgery was just too much for me.  And so I got angrier.  Son, my love for you was so great that I was angry.  Angry at myself, angry at your mom and sister, angry at you, angry at God.  My heart was so heavy with despair that I just couldn't focus on life.  

Now I don't want you to think that you were the cause of all of this.  No, son you were the light in a very dark place.  I let myself get to that place, but you brought me back.  You made it through that surgery like a champ.  You excel with a syndrome that many would consider a weakness.  You are a fighter.  And even though you do not know it, you fought for me!  

I told you earlier that you have changed me this year.  Here are just a few of the ways.  I am considerably less angry than I have ever been.  When I look into your face, a face that looks an awful lot like mine by the way, all I see is that precious smile and I know there is nothing this world can throw at me that has any power over me to get me angry.  

I am more faithful.  I had taken my faith for granted for many years.  Through your life I have rediscovered a strength that is not my own.  I have been reinvigorated with the sense of God's Spirit alive and at work in my life.  I have a peace that I have not known for a long time.  I have a feeling that you can see the spiritual in a way that I will never be able to.  That is probably the reason for that 24 hour smile.  

Before you were born, when I thought about our relationship it was always in terms of what  we wouldn't or couldn't do.  I see how silly that is now.  The possibilities are endless for what we can do together; for what you can be.  You are not limited.  You are not disabled.  You are blessed.  And you are mine.  

Son, there are not enough words in all of the languages of the world to describe my love for you.  You are all of the great things about life rolled into one tiny little package.  I will never be the same because of the way you have touched my heart in just one year.  And I cannot wait to see what changes are in store in the years to come.  You are the desire of this daddy's heart, my pride and joy!  

Happy first birthday!  Love, 

Daddy

The Heart of the Matter

The heart of the matter is what is the matter with my heart.  You see I had to realize that it isn't just my exterior that is broken.  In fact I would never have gained all of this weight without having a broken inside.  I've written before about how much it hurts to lose something that you so looked forward to (ambiguous loss).  One of the big discoveries I've made on my journey thus far is that my heart had been broken for a long time.
It wasn't the news of Josiah's extra chromosome that had broken it.  It was a lack of use.  When I left ministry in 2008 I actually left God.  Now this wasn't a formal leaving born out of anger or confusion; no this was a gradual distancing of myself from being with Him.  The crazy part?  I really had no idea I was doing this.  Over the past 6 years I have thrown my all into one thing after another: grad school, Lydia, teaching a teen apologetics course, dissertation, new job, Josiah.  Notice who is not in that list?  God.  And my wife (I'll get to that).
So, I've been meandering along here keeping busy and fooling myself into thinking that all is fine with me and the Creator.  I think I even fooled others.  It wasn't.  It isn't.  I'm not just working to fix my body now.  Prayer, study, time, investment, depth of understanding, gaining of knowledge, increasing in wisdom, these are the goals that I have for myself.  And hard as it is to run, ride my bike, lift weights, and get that body back in shape, it is even harder and dare I say more important, that I get that heart in shape too.
Neglecting relationships that matter seem to be a common thread for me.  I have been married to my beautiful wife for 7 years.  I have spent much of time focused on everything and everyone except her.  I have let my fears and worries distance me from her love.  I have let my concerns keep me from hers.  I have often treated her as second fiddle instead of partner.  And I know this is because of the heart problems.  If God isn't allowed into any part of my life, including my marriage, how oh how am I expecting it to succeed?
As I grow closer to God, I long to grow closer to my wife.  Lisa is an amazing woman who has shouldered the responsibility of faithfulness in our family over the past year.  She is quiet but strong, sweet but firm.  She loves me and deserves nothing less in return.
I choose today to get to the heart of the matter by changing what's the matter with my heart.  I hope my kids will see in me a Godly man but more a reflection of their savior.  Complete in mind body and soul, an example for them to aspire to - I think that is a great goal for any daddy to desire.
BK