Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Heart of the Matter

The heart of the matter is what is the matter with my heart.  You see I had to realize that it isn't just my exterior that is broken.  In fact I would never have gained all of this weight without having a broken inside.  I've written before about how much it hurts to lose something that you so looked forward to (ambiguous loss).  One of the big discoveries I've made on my journey thus far is that my heart had been broken for a long time.
It wasn't the news of Josiah's extra chromosome that had broken it.  It was a lack of use.  When I left ministry in 2008 I actually left God.  Now this wasn't a formal leaving born out of anger or confusion; no this was a gradual distancing of myself from being with Him.  The crazy part?  I really had no idea I was doing this.  Over the past 6 years I have thrown my all into one thing after another: grad school, Lydia, teaching a teen apologetics course, dissertation, new job, Josiah.  Notice who is not in that list?  God.  And my wife (I'll get to that).
So, I've been meandering along here keeping busy and fooling myself into thinking that all is fine with me and the Creator.  I think I even fooled others.  It wasn't.  It isn't.  I'm not just working to fix my body now.  Prayer, study, time, investment, depth of understanding, gaining of knowledge, increasing in wisdom, these are the goals that I have for myself.  And hard as it is to run, ride my bike, lift weights, and get that body back in shape, it is even harder and dare I say more important, that I get that heart in shape too.
Neglecting relationships that matter seem to be a common thread for me.  I have been married to my beautiful wife for 7 years.  I have spent much of time focused on everything and everyone except her.  I have let my fears and worries distance me from her love.  I have let my concerns keep me from hers.  I have often treated her as second fiddle instead of partner.  And I know this is because of the heart problems.  If God isn't allowed into any part of my life, including my marriage, how oh how am I expecting it to succeed?
As I grow closer to God, I long to grow closer to my wife.  Lisa is an amazing woman who has shouldered the responsibility of faithfulness in our family over the past year.  She is quiet but strong, sweet but firm.  She loves me and deserves nothing less in return.
I choose today to get to the heart of the matter by changing what's the matter with my heart.  I hope my kids will see in me a Godly man but more a reflection of their savior.  Complete in mind body and soul, an example for them to aspire to - I think that is a great goal for any daddy to desire.
BK

Today's update - 3 miles on the elliptical. 1.5 hours lifting weights (arms, AGH).  30 minute bike ride (I'm getting acclimated).  Had a good day of eating as well including my pan-seared tilapia and baked potato with .5 TBSP sour cream and chives for lunch.  1 day at a time!

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